This is for the third time. I can’t dream anymore. It scares me when I do. May I be being not meant for this.To be a mom, to get the love of a child may be it’s not my hand. I was having a twin last time. I dreamt of them a lot. I was happy like a baby cloth, dreamt of holding them tightly, kissing them and after three months the monster hit me again.This time I am destroyed.How can I hold my tears today?I busted out on the shoulder of my husband. Tears were enormous. It was like an ocean with two hopeless fishes who lost all the ways of happiness. All the people blame, they say mistakes are mine. I am the one who destroy the fetus to remain in figure.Don’t they see me I put on, almost 75 now. It really hearts when the doctors tear my stomach. I also caught with the pain of delivery. The pain was a shock, and it was very much intense. My all body broken down to pieces with a piece of happiness in each was also found in it.The pain was not for the happiness; it was a death of soul; it was a death of a soul of a mother. Once it was in my tube.The little, tiny baby was misplaced. It was breathing but sadly it was in a wrong position like the mom in wrong position with a group of backbiting people whose intension was only to blame me for no reason thing. And they stopped her breath. I am a cruel mom; I killed only for the misplacement of the baby which could kill us both but to be lived in the place where people kill us daily by the harsh words is better to die with the baby. The prayers of the loved ones, one day, my baby will be here, she will live in the world where the people hurts her mother for the reason made by herself.She will show everyone she was just waiting for a right time, and a fit mom to take cares her. I dedicate this blog to each one who is facing this, who faced such thing, never mind the rest, she is waiting for the right time. She is your baby and her intension is not to hurt you. She will surely vanish all the pains you suffered, she will come one day to you with the blessings that changed everything that ruined your happiness and now the fruit will grow in happiness tree with the blessings and love. Wait for the time.Live happily.Love each day. Belive me ,there are people suffering more than you in the world.

Fed up in the four corner wall

I am here for almost five years . People comes and smiles at me. Someone just come for having sweets and tea which is free of cost, another because of love.

My first daughter in law Riya was rude while talking ,I was hating her alot and my second daughter in law Paaru was a sweetcorn . I realised now everything was just a show. Riya takes care me well now. She is good at heart. I wanna tell her sorry for everything but how.

Today morning, my eyes was full of ants. Almost 1000,each had bitten me at a time. It hurted very badly. It took almost an hour for my grand daughter to come and see it. They all are busy. I made humming still they didn’t get time to come and check me. I wish to die . But why I am lying like a dead. God please take me to you soon . I am burden to every one.

I am fed up. I wanna run from here , I miss talking to people, I wanna have my favourite food ,I am thirst. The wire in my nose is disturbing me . One week back, wire was pulled by my grand daughter Shira I guess,I don’t remember what happen to me clearly , I don’t remember anything nowdays,by the time they took me to hospital. They pulled me ,it was hurting very badly,and took to hospital in the hatest vehicle “THE AMBULANCE”, I saw Riya’s eyes it was full of tears and Paaru was very rude to me. I loved Paaru alot but I am astonished by this behaviour.

Last time Paaru came and changed my pampers while she was busy in her conversation about my property. Riya yelled to her
this is not the time to talk about these. They left and never came back.

My urinary bladder is infected it seems. It’s hurting when I pee. Help me out. All are busy. I wanna scream out loudly and tell the people it’s hurting.Please kill me

I wanna run from here, hate the guest who watch me every time, who wish to see me dead soon ,the false tears , the sad look.

I am wet completely. I wanna bath from the bathroom,use my pineapple shampoo, I am fed of the wipes they use to clean me. I am not a kid any more. I was loving me , I was a beauty queen,now my body is tored completey, everywhere it’s injection’s mark, I hate myself. I learned now the beauty the family the money nothing is ours nothing last for ever. I was a selfish rat. I was wrong about life.

They appointed a nurse , I am a burden to Riya too. I am lost completely. I can’t survive anymore in this four corner wall. Kill me. Let my soul rest in peace.

Yes!!! I am bed ridden for five years. I am paralyzed. I wish I was not.

My grand daughter Ken came near me and started weeping like a . And prayed to god to take me soon. He was a disastrous . I had bet him many times and still

Everything will be known at right time, my time was now but its late, I can’t speak to people,I wish I can .I was wrong about people, I loved the worst person and hated sweet persons.

I wish i get a chance and to tell them sorry but the time is nearer it’s time to say goodbye to everyone. Punishment is ended . My soul is free now.
Goodbye world!

If i die

That evening I was alone with Aisha.I was bored sitting in the apartment doing nothing. I called my cousin Safeeka as Abdullah and Mohammed; her twin would play with Aisha.

An hour later after my call she came happily, along with her, my brother in law reached from the office.He was exhausted completely, and he dropped off to sleep in his space.

We started our chitchat, and kids were busy playing with Aisha’s toy. I had prepared ‘charumuri‘(A street food made from puff rice) . We both couldn’t control our tongue as it was one of our favourite food from our childhood. We started to eat like a starving ladies who didn’t have food for a year. Our kids were busy playing that they even couldn’t see their crazy mothers.

Later, I walked to the balcony to take my dried clothes. I heard a sound from the ground floor.I peeped out to the ground… I saw a man, he was shouting.

come out, fire fire!!!

I got a smoke smell. I started shivering, and I called ma brother in law;Waseem. As I took ma baby Aisha along with my cousin, my eyes came out when I opened the door, I was shocked. Nothing was visible, dark everywhere, it was full of dark smoke and I bursted out. I was scared. Death the scariest thing for everyone. Emptiness.I recalled everything for a second.My life, My Husband, My Mother My Father, everyone. How I’m gonna stay in the grave. I was scared completely. I couldn’t control myself. I want to escape.

Allah !!!help me

I called my husband. I thought it’s gonna be the last call. I told him this is our last call and bursted out. He told to calm down and told the dark smoke is very dangerous and ordered to stay in the balcony.So we all went to the balcony and stood there for almost 2 hours.

Meanwhile, people started coming like a bee to honey…Fire force, tensed people, flash light. Nothing made us tension free. Waseem tried to move out from the door. Later he came in and told us it’s suffocating he can’t breath from there.So we didn’t move an inch from the balcony which was safe for us at that moment.

Later my husband came from office.He was completely tensed. I saw him.He started to talk with the fireman. He called me through the phone, and told nothing to worry, stay there in the balcony they will rescue you.Third floor ac burst triggered fire, he told us the reason of exhaust.

Seeing my husband, my tension flew away. I remained calm. I started reciting ayah from the Quran.The cousin and sons were really worried, but she was in a control of herself.I gave them chairs and mats to lay down.

Later a giant fireman came. Aisha started crying by seeing him. He was in shorten of breath. He stood with us in the balcony for five minutes to get some fresh air. He ordered us to get wet clothes and cover our mouth and nose while moving out of the room as the smoke don’t enter our body. We did whatever he told us and we six covered our face and stepped out.

Now the way was visible. It was a wet floor. Water everywhere.Now the way was visible.We followed the fireman, his instructions and reached the ground safely by the staircase. I thanked God and moved to my husband.Later we moved to our room when everything was back to normal.

I didn’t know the dark smoke was very dangerous. I would have no more now,I would have tried to escape through the door by inhaling the dark smoke which is carbon monoxide.Once carbon monoxide has been breathed in, it replaces the oxygen in the blood, thus killing off cells and starving vital organs of oxygen. One of the dangers of carbon monoxide poisoning is death.

I would like to share what to do when something like this happen to you, what are the best steps to protect yourself

1)Don’t panic.

Once you see or smell smoke, you should immediately call 911 and tell the operator where you are in the building.

2)Determine where the fire is relative to your apartment.

3) When faced with danger, your first instinct is to flee as quickly as possible. Don’t move out. Inhaling this dark smoke may lead you to death. When nothing is in your way stay in the balcony as I did.

4)Immediately pull the nearest fire alarm pull station as you exit the building.

5) When evacuating the building, be sure to feel doors for heat before opening them to be sure there is no fire danger on the other side. If there is smoke in the air, stay low to the ground, especially your head, to reduce inhalation exposure. Keep on hand on the wall to prevent disorientation and crawl to the nearest exit.

6)Once away and clear from danger, call your report contact and inform them of the fire.

7)Go to your refuge area and await further instructions from emergency personnel.

Your family needs you.Someone is waiting for you out there. Be safe readers.

The movie that hit me

A promise I made to me that I’ll not blog a movie review unless it has a life .

A great women empowerment concept movie I loved by Roshan Andrrews acted by Manju warrior and Kunjako bobban. The story of a 36 year old woman who faces lots of problem in her career and personal life .

The story is very smooth and it was expressed very beautifully. Nirupama Rajeev (Manju Warrier) is an upper division clerk in the revenue department. She has lots of dream . She is stuck between her husband and daughter where husband turns very much selfish, leaves her behind with her father in law and mother in law and takes their teenaged daughter Lachu (Amritha Anil) with him to Ireland.

This blog is not a movie review. A dialogue in the movie that has hit me. I don’t know how many of you might have cried watching this movie but I did. Nirupama Rajeev is me ,you and most of the Indian women. The dialogue that made my goosebumps raise high

In the past 13 Indian presidents, only 1 was a woman. In the past 15 Prime Ministers only 1 was a woman. Is it because women were incapable of these posts?or Is it because no woman dreamed of that post? Or Is it because no woman worked for it? No. Then who decided the expiry date of her dream, of her ambition?

Yes!! Who decides the expiry date of woman . In choosing her career, following her dreams . Everything has to do something with someone. There will be someone who makes a rules and regulation for the girls and women in our society and tells them to do this,do that and don’t do that.

To graduate in fashion designing was a dream for me , to work in an office other than school was a dream for me and whatmore still I am having a dream but someone is forcing me not do . This is the story of Nirupama Rajeev, Safwana Jaseem and every single Indian women.

Why should only a woman sacrifice everything for someone. Why can’t us have a wildest dream that come true.

Selfish biryani

Eid without biryani, a muslim can’t even think of it. Biryani yummiest dish for us .

I thought of blogging the recipe of the biryani I prepared today. But something stricken me.

The biryani is ready but there was a huge step and time for preparing this ,almost 3-4 hours . Only the person who cooked knows the tiredness and tensions in preparing it and the best part is that it has lots of ingredients in it .

I had bought all most all the ingredients from the groceries and I took a few things from each grocery items and made the yummiest biryani. Mixing the accurate items makes the dish perfect but what about the rest of the items. SAD!!!

RIP,Unused and rest of ingredients.

The sad part is that savor will never complain about the ingredients if it’s perfect . Beside they will mention each name of it and start complaining it if it goes worst.

Don’t you feel Biryani is similar to a selfish success human who forgets completely a his success was only because of the exact mixture of the ingredients called ‘prayer’.

As time passes Biryani is easily found every where .

Dear Biryani, you are the king but don’t forget the prayers that made you the best.

Rabia

This is something that happened to me when I was studying in my primary section,but I don’t remember my grade. Oh no how can I ,I am 27 now ,how can I remember exact class, the incident happened more than 10 year back . The day I was so tensed and I still have lots of questions to ask her.

Ok readers . Let me introduce my siblings . I am the youngest one of the family . I was doing all the mischievous activities I could do at that age and frankly speaking, even now.

Elder brother , a sister and me; a triangle love and what more ,a happy family.

My mother couldn’t manage all the household work alone. Our home was huge for five people and moreover the naughtiest and untidy younger and elder one who never makes the house tidy at least for the sake of “umma“(mother).

One day a good-looking girl from a village from our place came for helping the household chores. Her name was Rabiah. Umma told she will be with us from now.

It didn’t take me much time to be close with her. She started helping my Umma and chattering with me and kins.

That night intimidating thing turned out . Around 3am a sweaty hand touched my feet . I turned out immediately .

“Sappu get up dear!! Sappu I wanna ask you something”.

I was glued to the spot,terror-stricken.

Yes,tell me what happen I asked confusingly.

Can you please spell yourself Saheeka and Shabeer(both are my siblings) .

Her flood of questions confused me but I was exhausted and dropped off to sleep by replying to her so I couldn’t ask her much questions.

Next morning,my Umma was washing our clothes from our out house. When she came from the room she saw lots of machinga coconut shattered on the ground and seeds were falling on and on.

Ma Umma glanced at the coconut tree and was astonished seeing Rabia at the top of the tree. Umma broke out in a sweat thinking she would plummet to the ground. Rather,Rabia was whooping out of laughter.

Umma ran to the neighbours and a man came to rescue her. In some way the man rescued and bought her down to the ground. I could see fears running on my mothers face. Beside Rabia was craughing. She came close to me and started spelling the names I taught her last night. I started sweating with fear,to be frank my heart beats too high when I go through now. I kept quiet. No words came out. My mother was too much frightened and moved her back . Many strong hand grasped her and made her to sit till her uncle came from her village.

I stood there like a bump on a log.

That afternoon her uncle came and phonated us that she was a psychiatric patient a year back and took her back home.

Due to poverty he took her to our home. My mother settled everything , gave sums of money and uncle took her back home.

But… Our name, how could she learn to spell our name so quickly and why?!!

Rest in peace Rabia ittha.

Sad she is no longer alive but who is going to answer my queries .

To be lazy is good

This is my first blog. No idea how this gonna be.

This is something about me. Yes a lazy mom.It doesn’t mean I don’t like to be a mom. I love my daughter a lot. I just love to be a mom . To be mother of five. But I am very lazy . Lazy to look after her . But something taught me . Being lazy makes them stronger, independent. They learn quickly. Most of the parents of my age gives them iPad ,iPhone and they starts learning everything . My two year daughter Eva Aisha knows to sing ABC ,she knows alphabets. Yesterday I was shocked she wrote c in the book. People says we shouldn’t give them tablets phone etc. But being lazy mom makes your daughter to learn more. Thanks to YouTube for everything. The rhymes, color videos helped my daughter to distinguish the colors and to sing songs at the age of 2. I dont think gadgets is dangerous to children. If they can learn everything alone without us whats wrong if we give them the tablets and phones and whats wrong if we are lazy for making them good.